AARP, or, Allison Acts Really Peculiar

I came to a realization not too long ago. You know how some members of the elder generation will sometimes go into WAYYY too much detail about their ailments? How they'll be complaining about their arthritis and then listing off all their prescriptions and then the next thing you know, before you can come up with a plan of escape, they've felt it necessary to share their schedule of bowel movements with you? This is totally going to be me in 50 years.
 
Wait. Strike that. That's me ALREADY.

So remember how I was sick? You're going to have to reach pretty far back into your memory bank, considering this was about two months ago...well, either that or just scroll down the page to my last entry, because about two months just so happens to be my average time span between xanga entries. Around the time that I was sick, a new person started working in our laboratory. I had met him once or twice before his first official day with us, but really, I barely knew the guy. One day he said something to me along the lines of "that's a nasty cough," and what did I do but proceed to run through my entire list of symptoms: "yeah, I've been sick for like two weeks, and I had a runny nose and fever and those are better but I still have this horrible cough and while it's not quite as bad as last week when I coughed so hard I threw up, I DID cough up some blood* this morning so I should probably go to the doctor and OOPS YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT APPRECIATING THIS DISTURBING AMOUNT OF DETAIL, ARE YOU, PERSON I HARDLY KNOW, WAIT COME BACK, WOW YOU CAN RUN REALLY FAST."    

*I did go to the doctor... it was swine flu. JK! Just a little potential-pandemic humor to lighten things up. It was either bronchitis or whooping cough (I'm actually not kidding about that. My PCP told me it was bronchitis, while another doctor [who is a personal friend of mine] told me he wouldn't be surprised if it was whooping cough. Can I get a "whoop whoop?")(A: Yes. Yes, I can. And very possibly did).

Anyway, in conclusion: I have the oversharing tendencies of a 76-year old. Combined with the fact that I actually watch (and look FORWARD to watching) Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, I think it may be time to break down and just get myself a set of dentures already. But only if my Medicare will cover it.

This is why I'm hot

I currently am extremely disgusting. I've had one of the worst colds ever for the past week or so, and while I'm starting to feel better (no more fever, sore throat or coughing so hard that I make myself gag and subsequently throw up), my nose is still running like a faucet (a faucet from which pathogen-laden, yellow snot flows in lieu of water) and with my voice and my still rather nasty cough, I sound like I've been smoking several packs a day for the past 30 years (I got my start on Marlboros as a glimmer in my dad's eye). And on top of all of that, I woke up yesterday morning with conjunctivitis (i.e., freakin' PINK EYE) and both of my eyes are all pink (obviously) and goopy and crusty and everyone's been asking me if I'm okay, because apparently I look like I've just had a really good cry. Rather than facing the screams of horror and disdain that I would inevitably receive upon informing these curious people that actually, I just have pink eye, instead I've been telling them that my pet guinea pig died* and yeah, I'm pretty sad about it, thanks for bringing it up, JERK. And I don't even have a guinea pig. And... I think the cough medicine might be getting to me.

*I am totally kidding about this. I would never lie about something so heart-wrenching as the death of a guinea pig.
 
Despite all the trials and tribulations that my poor body has endured lately, however, I am powering through it all to update my xanga! Disgustingness cannot keep me from bringing you an entry! Because that's how much I care about you, my dear readers.
 
Okay, so it's not really about how much I care.... it's more about the fact that I am so incredibly bored of watching TV since I've been doing nothing but watching TV (while lying wan and listless on the couch) for the past five days. Let me tell you, there's only so much Lifetime Movie Network a person can take. And since I don't want to watch TV, all of my books are too heavy (my illness sapped the strength out of me, okay), I can't do anything social because people are afraid of my death eyes, and I have nothing better to do (washing that gigantic pile of dirty dishes in the kitchen sink obviously doesn't count as anything better), I guess I might as well update my xanga. Here goes.
 
On the subject of being disgusting (I bet you didn't know I had so much to say about the topic!)... I have a theory. My theory is as follows: I am more attractive to the opposite sex when I'm gross. I first came up with this theory about a year ago, and it's been nothing but confirmed ever since. I know that this theory sounds completely ridiculous, but just listen. Back when my theory first came to me, there were quite a few instances - all within like a month of each other - where I was vaguely gross for whatever reason (hair was unwashed, I was suffering from allergies and sneezing all over myself, I was feeling sick and hacking up a lung, etc.), and each and every time, I got hit on significantly more than I usually do. Way more catcalls, way more creepy smiles, way more drive-by stares, way more being hit on in general. I have no idea why this is, but that's not what's important right now. What's important is that my theory was once again backed up by events that took place today.

So there's this Fed-Ex guy who occasionally drops packages off in our laboratory and brings the papers over for me to sign. I have no idea what this guy's name is or anything... all I know is that A. he's a Fed-Ex guy, B. according to the ring finger he's not married, and C. he is absolutely adorable. Oh, and let's add another one - D. HE WAS TOTALLY FLIRTING WITH ME TODAY! At least according to my coworker... I was way too flustered (see Point C) and preoccupied with the fact that I was wearing the same Steelers t-shirt he's seen me in the past three times he's been in my lab (I mean, it's a great shirt and all - Yeah Steelers! Six-time Super Bowl champs, baby! - but still) to even notice any flirtation. But apparently it was there. And let's recap, shall we? He most likely believes that I only own one shirt, I have what very closely resembles a smoker's cough, and oh yes, let's not forget the extremely unflattering case of PINK EYE. And he was diggin' it!

And then later this evening in the TJ Maxx parking lot, some random dude totally hit me up with a drive-by stare.

So there you have it. Disgustingness = hotness. I guess this is where they get the term "hot mess." ...And hey, this probably explains why Paris Hilton has had so many boyfriends!

Random, Cryptic Pictures Explained

I apologize for leaving you all hanging. I will now explain the random, cryptic pictures from a couple entries ago.

(Pictures re-posted below, because if you're anything like me, you're too lazy to click on that link and go read the entry again).

Random, Cryptic Picture #1 (RCP#1) is me pretending to climb a tree at Magnolia Plantation in Charleston, SC. I visited the beautiful city of Charleston with two good friends of mine over Labor Day weekend (that long ago? Yes. They don't call me a xanga slacker for nothing, you see). All three of us are Western Pennsylvanians transplanted in the South, and we thought that it would be hilarious to pretend to be Southern Belles for the day... i.e., speak in ridiculous Southern accents (this is not to say that Southern accents are ridiculous, but rather that OUR fake Southern accents were ridiculous) and act all prim and proper and generally helpless. I am positive that Charlotte (my Southern Belle alter ego) would never climb, pretend to climb, or even so much as THINK about climbing a tree, but Allison (that would be myself) totally would. And did. Obviously. The inner self slipped out, I guess. So much for getting into character. I should probably never be an actress.

RCP#2 is an action shot taken at the zoo in Greenville, SC. I offered that gigantic tortoise one of those crackers you can buy to feed the animals with, and he accepted it... quite enthusiastically. Note my A. quick arm-retraction and B. expression of alarm. I seriously thought he was gonna bite my hand off. 

RCP#3 is an amazing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cake that my friend PK made for our mutual friend Nathan's surprise birthday party. He was turning 30. As opposed to seven.

RCP#4 is a stapler. In Jello. If you have no idea why anybody would ever put a stapler in Jello (and honestly, I was wondering this myself, many MANY hours and TEN boxes of Jello later), go here. Yep. I had a party in celebration of the season premiere of my favorite TV show, "The Office." I had various Office-themed food - the stapler in Jello, soft pretzels ("364 days til the next pretzel day!"), Mexican lemonade, an Awesome Blossom ("extra awesome") - and told everyone to come dressed up as their favorite character. Many people have, totally apropos of nothing, told me that I remind them a lot of Pam, but I decided to dress up as Angela instead. More specifically, Angela from the episode where a bat is trapped in the office and she's afraid it's going to poop on her head so she wears a raincap all day. It just made sense: she's head of the party planning committee, and I planned our party. Plus, I got to wear a sweet raincap fashioned from saran wrap and scowl a lot. Win-win.

RCP#5 is me and my buddy Jeff Gordon. In Talladega, AL. At a NASCAR race. Yes, really. A friend of mine had an extra ticket (and an extra NASCAR visor - that thing is not mine!) and, as one who can enjoy herself pretty much wherever she goes, I was all for it. It was extremely loud, we were covered in black tire dust by the end of the day (our seats were super close - close enough to feel the wind from the cars going by), and the people we encountered there were... errr.. INTERESTING, but it was a really neat experience. I had a lot of fun. And dang, those cars go FAST!

Oops, I forgot how to update my blog

It's easy to do, I mean, what with having to remember both my user name AND password and which links to click and... what are those things I see underneath my fingers? With the letters on them? Now, exactly what do I do with those, again? Remembering stuff is hard sometimes.
 
Okay, obviously I jest... although honestly, I HAVE been rather scatter-brained lately, so I wouldn't be too surprised if I actually HAD forgotten how to update my blog. A few days ago, I actually misplaced my suitcase. Yeah, you heard me right, my suitcase. Not my car keys, work ID, or any other relatively small and therefore easy to misplace item, but my rather large (I could probably fit inside this thing, fetal-position style) and extremely bright red suitcase. (Turns out, I had left it in the trunk of my car but totally thought that I had brought it inside with me. This was after spending 17 straight hours in a car, 9.5 of which I had personally driven, so it was understandable. At least that's what I choose to tell myself). 
 
Anyway, yeah. I haven't blogged in a long time. Clearly. But I've decided that I'm going to stop apologizing for that and making excuses and whatnot, just because it's starting to get old and, as infrequently as I blog, it's like all I ever write about anymore. So. Moving on!
 
Let's see... I guess a lot has happened? You know, since two months ago? Nothing really of any significance though because, well... my life is boring, but rather lots of random, semi-funny things that I jotted down with the intent of blogging about but never did. Like that one time I yelled out "my utensils are NOT silly!" to an entire cashier's line of Wal-Mart shoppers, and they all turned and stared at me in bewilderment like I was the Wal-Mart equivalent of that homeless man you see standing on the street corner, gesticulating wildly and spewing nonsense about the end times and his thoughts on bologna and how you're such a pretty lady, why don't you come give poppa a nice hug. Anyway, that was me, but in Wal-Mart. What can I say, Wal-Mart brings out the best in me. There's actually a perfectly reasonable explanation for my rather loud proclamation that my utensils were NOT, in fact, silly, but it's boring and I like the idea of me being a Wal-Mart Crazy, so we'll just leave it at that.  
 
Anyway, time for bed. I'm still recovering from that whole 17-hours-in-a-car thing (I went home for Thanksgiving, and let's just say the drive back from Pennsylvania on Sunday wasn't the best). Coming soon: explanations for those utterly random pictures from my last entry. Gosh, way to leave you all hanging for two months, huh? I should have just stuck with the made-up "I forgot how to update my blog" excuse... then at least you wouldn't think I was a total jerk, maybe just a little... slow. But hey, we are talking about the Wal-Mart Crazy here, so a little slowness is probably to be expected, right?

Hello from your favorite xanga slacker!

...or, at the very least, your most slacker-esque xanga slacker. Okay, so I've obviously been worse about updating than usual (if that's even possible), but for the past month or so, I've been extremely busy doing some very... shall we say... interesting things. Hence the lack of updates. Because, while being busy with those interesting things has provided plenty of great subjects to blog about, it also has meant that there was less time in which to blog about said great subjects. I'm not sure why I felt the need to spell that all out for you, as if you were incapable of figuring it out for yourself, but... yeah, anyway. I apologize for not updating like, ever. (And also for underestimating your intelligence. I didn't mean it! I know that you're all very, very smart! And capable of your own thought processes!).

I should probably stop right now and go to bed before I start insulting, say, your character as well, so here, just a small taste of the interesting xanga entries that are to come (in the, ahem, somewhat near future. Yeah, you know how I roll):